Last night my girlfriend hosted her very first book club in Denver. The first book they’ll be reviewing is called the Desire Map by Danielle Laporte. This author is pretty badass, even for a chick. I read her other book, Fire Starter and was really impressed with her candor, razor sharp wit, and a willingness to be vulnerable. The first meeting was a smashing success with almost 20 women in attendance. My girlfriend, is also a coach and after every session or speaking gig, we love to debrief with each other on these 3 questions, 1. What went awesome? 2. What needed some work? 3. What can be done better next time to make it even more awesome? I was surprised by her answer to number 2.
“So many of these women have lost their passion, their love of life, and they went from being social butterflies to butterflies with clipped wings.”
She shared with me, minus the names of the attendees of course, how many of them felt stuck in their lives. She asked the group, “What do you love most in life?” Many of the women felt compelled to respond with the typical knee-jerk responses of ‘husband or boyfriend or kids.’ Otherwise they could be judged as a bad wife or girlfriend or mom.
My girlfriend exploded, “I’m so glad these women are here, we’re going to reignite that fire!” Considering how much love, passion and dedication she has for assisting others in transforming their lives, is it any wonder why she chose to be a life coach?
How did these once social butterflies who met the world each day with wonder, curiosity, openness, and vulnerability become butterflies with clipped wings with dim eyes, fuzzy purpose, and disconnected relationships?
Its not just one, two or even three factors….its probably dozens. Lets look at 5 Big Ones.
Ecosystem. Whenever my girlfriend is agitated, hyper emotional, or depressed its typically for one of two reasons. She hasn’t had sex in a day and feels a deep ache to pair bond and orgasm or she hasn’t been taking care of her ecosystem of positive emotions.
I first heard this phrase coined by Owen Cook, an expert in social dynamics. I later realized the contents composing an ecosystem of positive emotions is subject I had studied for 20 years. In essence, your daily routine of sleep, nutrition, exercise, meditation, and social network will have either a positive net gain on your emotions or a negative net loss on your emotions. The more self-care a woman practices the better she’ll be able to not only survive but thrive in her day to day Being.
How many women put others needs ahead of their own? In the rare she does, there is a flood of perceived or actual judgment from friends and family who ‘depend’ on her for their ‘very survival.’ By taking care of yourself daily in these areas of your life you will be the super woman you know that you are, but here’s the catch. You’re gonna have to setup clear intentions with boundaries. Be able to say no, or not now. No one else can do it for you.
Your alternative? Stay tired, frustrated, and unappreciated by friends and family while you give not from your heart but from resentment, bitterness, and forced obligation. Butterflies that do not practice self-care daily wither and die by the very flowers they nurture.
Media. News Flash Women: you have been brainwashed since birth. Every medium of advertising since you were born has been telling you are not pretty, sexy, smart, funny, healthy unless you eat this, wear this, drink this, apply this or remove that. WAKE UP WOMEN!
These channels of advertising do not give a shit about you. They are simply preying on your emotional body to sell you anything and everything that they tell you will make you happy. Would you rather have your self worth, self esteem, and self image controlled by marketers, advertisers, and makeup companies or would you like to be in the driver’s seat?
As cliché as it sounds, true beauty comes from within. A woman who has loving thoughts and loving words, who loves and cares for herself, who has loving supportive relationships in her life will glow like the sun. But what of the woman who spends her days and nights wallowing in negative thoughts, negative emotions, clubbing, excessive drinking, and consuming processed foods while she surrounds herself with relationships built on drama, chaos, and abuse? No amount of makeup, male attention, plastic surgery or shopping sprees with fill her emotional and spiritual void. Butterflies have a hard time flying when their wings are coated with shit.
Beta Boys. How many of you women have wished if you could just find a “nice guy” and stop dating all these jerks, you’d be happy?
Enter Beta Boys stage right.
You do not want want a “nice guy” (beta boy). Here’s why.
A “nice guy” will give you everything you want; attention, gifts, words of affirmation, and comply to all your wishes. His only purpose in life is to please you. You’ll be placed on the highest, most expensive, 24-karat-gold-plated pedestal. Guess what? After the initial ‘he’s perfect’ wears off, you’ll be bored to fucking tears. You won’t respect him because he has no bigger purpose in life than to please you, which means you’ll have all the added pressure to be happy in the relationship.
The real kicker is these beta boys turn women into scared, bitter, resentful, and disconnected women. Beta boys are coming from a disingenuous place. The attention, gifts, and compliance are masking their lack of direction, neediness, lack mentality, and desperation. Beta boys are reactionary not responsive. They suck positive emotions from you because they can’t create those from within themselves. Beta boys are fearful and intimated by your sexuality. They are constantly seeking validation and approval from you rather than you seeking it from themselves.
Enter Alpha males stage left.
Alpha males are the ones who have a higher purpose in life. They set the frame of the relationship with honesty, clarity, and are uncompromising, the woman can choose to enter his frame or not. Alpha males are non-needy because they have clear direction, social life, and their own ecosystem of positive emotions that nourish them, not relying on a you to provide that. They allow you to be feminine, flowing, emotional, and moody….because they are centered and unaffected because they know your emotional storm evaporates in their shining consciousness. They celebrate, admire, and relish in your sexuality in all ways rather than suppressing and judging it. When you are in the presence of a true alpha male, it allows you to relax into your femininity, sexuality, and sweetness. Butterflies have a hard time basking in the sunshine and flowers when they are being swatted by the beta boy gardener.
Hard-Wired. We are social creatures since we started forming tribal cultures approximately 200,000 years ago. Typically a tribe consisted of 150 to 500 people max. After that 500 member threshold, your connection to these members would be in face only.
Our brains are hardwired to socialize in small tribal communities. This hard-wired tendency to limit our social interaction to 150-500 members, becomes a problem in our modern culture because resources, employment, and opportunities are spread out over vast areas and require connecting with 100’s, if not, 1,000’s of people to get what we want. Fear comes up.
In tribal cultures, if you stood out from the group in a way the group perceived to be endangering them, there was a chance you would ostracized from the tribe. Alone in the wilderness during these times meant certain death. Our brains are still holding onto that thinking, if you say hi to this person or ask you boss for a raise or go in for the goodnight kiss, your amygdala screams, “No, don’t do that! You’re going to be kicked out of the tribe and die!” So its better not to say or do anything. Never-mind the fact that in our modern world you can practically say and do whatever the fuck you want and still thrive tremendously.
The point is, its alright to be expressive, to be vulnerable, to ask for what you want and refuse what you don’t want. Being unfriended on Facebook or being uninvited to the Annual Gala Dinner or receiving a dirty look from your server because you said your food was cold, will not leave you isolated and left to die. We, men and women, must realize this fear is rooted in our biology not in our reality, it is ancient history. Literally! Butterflies who don’t socialize with other butterflies will be left out in the cold to die.
Karma. Being born as a woman suggests you have specific gender karma to work out. One in four women have been sexually abused in the United States. That is the collective pain body, to quote Eckhart Tolle, that women born into this country are dealing with. You may have been molested as a small girl, you may have been raped as a college student, you may have been physically abused by a boyfriend or husband.
Life is not fair.
Life IS about cause and effect. A spiritual teacher of mine once said, “No suffering is undeserved.” Meaning whatever pain, suffering, or anguish you are experiencing right now or in the past, is because of past actions or seeds you planted. In this life or a previous one, you planted the seeds of abuse, rage, neglect and violence. Now you are reaping those fruits in this current life.
How does it serve you to wallow in pity, victim-hood, depression, and bitterness for the rest of your life? Forgive the person or persons who were channels for your negative karma and have compassion for them. Here’s why. You are suffering now from your past misdeeds right? The person or persons causing you pain right now will suffer as much or worse in the future through the actions and misdeeds they are sowing. Simply learn your lesson and move on with your life. Butterflies that are angry, sad, and depressed looking at their feet miss the beauty all that is beautiful; other butterflies, flowers, the sun, the moon, the stars, and beyond.
This is not a complete list as to why women lose their way of being social butterflies. Here are your takeaway points. Creating and sticking to a daily routine of self care with improve your life immensely. Your radiance and beauty comes from who you are Being, not from what you are Buying. Be open to receiving an alpha male whose presence opens and develops your feminism and sexuality and avoid the beta boys who wish to control and suppress it. Realize your biology not your reality, is keeping you from being social, asking for what you want, and refusing what you don’t want.
You were born at this time in history, to your family history, in your body because of past thoughts, words, and actions. What life and lifetimes do you want to create moving forward? Forgive the past, look forward to the future and realize you are far more than a butterfly with clipped wings.
You are a beautiful, divine child of God with a life’s purpose that is calling.
For those looking to live a perfect day, I offer free 30 minutes of coaching to assist you in creating your perfect day. During the free session you will gain clarity on how to live your perfect day, identify challenges in creating your perfect day, and feel a renewed sense of enthusiasm and vigor for your life. Contact me at ChristianRLong.com or 347-879-076Four
You can find Susannah Campora on her Facebook Fanpage at True You Revolution where all the magic happens.